Why are you so defensive?
Each of us has received this comment at some point. Usually following some previous comment that we obviously did not want to hear.
But why are we sometimes so defensive? Today I would like to share some thoughts about this common phenomenon, which can be difficult to manage on both a personal and professional level, for both the receiver and the giver of feedback.
First, we need to put things in context. The same feedback will not be received in the same way depending on the timing, communication style, intent, root cause, and of course, the people involved in the discussion.
While we all want to be open to growth, it is obvious that we are more sensitive to certain topics, situations, and even certain people.
But beyond the obvious, let me share some additional fruit for your consideration.
Here are 9 possible reasons why people tend to be defensive when receiving feedback:
1. Fear of Failure: Receiving feedback can trigger feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure, leading individuals to become defensive as a way to protect their self-esteem.
2. Threat to Self-Image: Feedback that challenges one's self-image or identity can be perceived as a threat, prompting a defensive response to maintain a positive sense of self.
3. Insecurity: Individuals who lack confidence in their abilities may interpret feedback as confirmation of their insecurities, causing them to become defensive rather than accepting the feedback constructively.
4. Cognitive Dissonance: Feedback that contradicts individuals' existing beliefs or actions can create cognitive dissonance, leading them to reject or rationalize the feedback in order to maintain internal consistency.
5. Past Negative Experiences: Previous encounters with harsh or critical feedback may leave individuals feeling vulnerable and defensive, especially if they fear a repeat of those negative experiences.
6. Emotional Reactivity: Strong emotional reactions, such as anger or frustration, can make it difficult for individuals to receive feedback objectively, causing them to respond defensively.
7. Fixed Mindset: People with a fixed mindset believe that their abilities and traits are innate and unchangeable. Feedback that suggests otherwise can challenge this belief, leading to defensiveness.
8. Lack of Trust: If individuals don't trust the source of the feedback or doubt its validity, they may react defensively as a means of self-preservation.
9. Perceived Unfairness: If individuals believe that the feedback is unjust or biased, they may respond defensively to protect their sense of fairness and justice.
As you can see from these 9 possible reasons for defensiveness, some are caused by internal blockers (emotional or psychological) and others are a reaction to your relationship with the person giving you feedback and/or the overall environment you are in.
While there is no quick fix, the first step would be to reflect on your inner state.
Self-reflection as a receiver:
- How confident and comfortable are you with the specific topic?
- What actions could you take to improve your performance and confidence on this topic?
- Of all the information shared in this feedback, what are the things you agree on and the things you don't understand?
- What might be the reasons for this gap? How might you bridge the gap?
- When it comes to the person giving you the feedback, how comfortable do you usually feel around this person? And why? What could you do to improve the mutual trust?
Self-reflection as the provider:
- Why did you feel the need to share this comment?
- How did you feel at that moment (what was the emotion behind it)?
- Why is this issue or situation important to you?
- What is your intention toward the person receiving your feedback?
- What did you expect from them?
- How much do you trust this person?
- What could you do to improve your relationship and communication with this person?
Once you have done this, you will have gained enough clarity to better understand yourself in the context in which you find yourself and to decide how to take action. Be aware, however, that if you consistently feel uncomfortable, are the victim of unfair treatment, and lack trust in those around you, this may simply be the wrong place for you.
Understanding these reasons can help both givers and receivers of feedback navigate the process more effectively and foster a culture of constructive feedback in organizations and relationships.
Work with me to gain a better understanding about yourself and improve your (self)-leadership.
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